Grief...Good grief!

A friend of mine has been dealing with grief and depression recently. :(

Whilst I have also lost people over the years, I began thinking about all the other things I have had to mourn in my life. Those things which perhaps, without the abuse, I would still have, or have already experienced.

I'm talking about .....my childhood, my mother, my father...because, although one of my favourite quotes is "It's never too late to have a happy childhood" and I try to live by that, allowing myself to be playful, enjoy life, and not being afraid to ask for help...there came a point where I realised, I had missed out on that constant motherly love and support. I had experienced life as a child, but I hadn't been taught all the right lessons, and now, I would have to just grow up...on my own - I may very likely never have a mother, father or siblings again. (I say "may" over "will", not because I am naive, but because I refuse to give up all hope.)

I'm suddenly reminded of a poem I wrote in February...

Pass it on:

Life can be grand when you don’t trust a soul

Completely alone, not a link in the world

If nobody knows you and nobody cares

You at least know where you stand, aware.

It may seem strange to others who

Have always ‘known’ just what to do

Taking for granted the place they call home

Their family and friends – they’re never alone.

They don’t get how long we carry our scars

Invisible, hidden, but most definitely ours

It just takes one trigger, a few thoughtless words

To cut them open again, rub in salt till it burns

Then our adult coat is gone, we’re left huddled on the floor

We just see you shouting, the love is no more

Even though you don’t mean it, you still carry the knife

You took it from ‘them’, when you chose to fight.

I often talk about survivors being kids in adults bodies. I know everyone is to an extent, and it's a great thing to keep in touch with your inner child. The difference for me, was that mine was still lying there, battered and drained inside, and I had to learn to accept that I couldn't change ANY of the past, and that this child in me, hadn't yet been acknowledged or forgiven, yet alone praised or celebrated. Every time I had a flashback, sometimes sparked by someone else's fond childhood memory, I had to...mourn it. I don't think I'm done yet, but then I don't think I ever will be completely, however the more I allow myself to cry, to grieve what has been taken from me...the (ever so slightly) less it hurts.

When it came to my mother, something else happened. I had spent so many years, trying to be supportive, giving excuses for her behaviour, reasons why she wasn't that much to blame or rather, responsible for the abuse. So I was still holding on. And when I chose to begin to mourn a mother figure in my life, I realised just how badly she had hurt me. I realised how much she was responsible for. And I realised, somewhat surprisingly to me, how angry I was at her. It hurt like hell, and I wept...a lot. (Let's be honest, when you start to come to terms with any part of being a survivor of child abuse....you realise you're going to have to shed a fair amount of tears!) The good side to this is that everything surrounding my mother became much clearer. I was more able to look at her from an outsider's perspective - to see through her lies, acknowledge what she did wrong, and let go of my attachment - my desperate desire to win her over. Now if she tries to hurt me, it just doesn't matter as much any more!

So, I guess I'm saying that part of dealing with abuse, is about grieving what you've lost.

And it's going to hurt.

But...as always (if you keep looking for it) there is a positive side to all of this. Generally when you grieve, you want the person back. You miss the good times, the love, the support...them! Now think about it - did your abusers really provide any of that for you? Are they adding anything to your life, or just holding you back from it? And do you really want to relive that childhood? Yes, it can feel like there is an enormous gaping cavern where others hold their family close and cherish their memories....but if you hold on to your negative memories, feelings and people...then you are still accepting the abuse in your life. So by mourning your loss, you are making a stand for yourself, a positive affirmation saying: 


"I refuse to accept abuse in my life. I release myself from their hold - I forgive myself for what was done to me, and will only seek to accept love in my life. I deserve to be safe, happy and loved. And ...I love me!"


Of course, the fun part is when you start to fill that dark cavern up - when the people you invite into your life love you for being you, instantly forgive your mistakes, stand up for you, enjoy your company and give you all the hugs and praise that you've always wanted.


So please......for your own sake, survivors, if you're feeling sorry for yourself...let go, and allow yourself to truly grieve. Cry like a child, and afterwards, feel proud of every tear. Eventually you'll get what you've missed out on...and you've the rest of your life to enjoy it!


Here's a huge hug from me to start you off! Love Rain
O