Hi!

Hi. I'm Rain Girl.

I thought it was about time I started posting a blog covering the issues I face in my adult life, due to the abuse I was dealt as a child. I have read several other passages online from those who have suffered an unbelievable amount, and whilst I feel that I had it 'easy' compared to others, I am finally at a stage in my life where I can say "I am an adult survivor of child abuse" and know that I am not exaggerating or having gone mad, fabricated everything.

Yes, despite the fact that I remember plenty of abusive moments throughout my childhood and even in my late teens (because they have been playing over and over in my mind for so many years), despite the fact that I saw the bruises (and generally hid them) and felt the pain as they healed, and despite the fact that I know several people who have witnessed their lies and emotionally abusive behaviour (and sometimes physical abuse)...I have questioned myself.

I have never doubted that these things happened...but the years of being part of a dysfunctional and abusive family trained me to hate and distrust myself. So when I finally confronted my family, early this year, and met flat out denial...I went back to my diaries, my friends, my trusted relatives, and questioned myself some more.
That is, until I realised that I was always questioning myself, constantly working out what I had done wrong in any given situation, trying to change and improve myself and make it up to everyone. And whilst this is a fantastic trait to have...sometimes it's just not your fault! I went back to the core of the matter...

Was I hit/strangled/suffocated as child and left with bruises, marks, injuries from this?
Yes.

Was I in any way responsible or deserving of this?
No - I was a child/teenager...and NO-ONE deserves to be physically harmed.

What if I had done something wrong? They were my parents after all....shouldn't they punish me?
No - not like that! Most of the time, I didn't even know what was wrong, and was sometimes even punished for something my sister had done. If a child makes does something wrong, intentionally, they should know what they have done and receive a consequence fitting the misdemeanor.
What should never be tolerated, is a parent taking out their anger or other problems out on a child.

So now, here I am, learning to be a grown-up all by myself. Some of us will just never have that strong paternal or maternal figure in our lives, and it's sad, but that's just how it is! Sure, I have extremely supportive friends, and thanks to facebook, twitter etc, I also have some very supportive online friends and followers. Yay! But the fact of the matter is, this kind of thing should never happen. I haven't had children myself (despite loving kids and working with them) partly due to the fact that, I feel it is my duty as a potential parent to look after myself first - learn good behaviour, create a safe environment...learn how to be a role model, and do my utmost to break the cycle of abuse.

It begins with being self-aware. I had to take a long hard look at the way I was behaving around my friends....the ones I was beginning to lose! I had learnt how to use negativity to get what I wanted - No, scrap that - I wasn't getting what I wanted, and that was the problem. I meant well....so why was I continuing to have a difficult life? About 2 years ago, at Christmas time, I took an overdose and wound up in hospital (with my mother) and then at my parents. Needless to say, it wasn't a fun experience, although I finally spoke out. I told the hospital staff that my step-father and mother had hit me, and used the word 'abuse' around my sisters. Without going into detail, it became very heated, and I haven't been welcomed back there since. After making a prompt exit, I sat down and wrote a long and spontaneous letter thinking long and hard about how my actions were making others (who did care about me) feel. It hurt like hell, but it helped clear the fogginess of my mind, helped me realise how I'd been brainwashed.

It also meant that, through taking full responsibility for my own actions, I was able to finally understand what I was NOT responsible for - the abuse. Now, life's about finding out who I really am, standing up for myself, and learning how to be a good role model to others. Because regardless of how tough your life has been, none of us can use that as an excuse to harm others. It's about learning from the past, taking the good from the bad, and leaving the rest behind......

I sincerely hope that by sharing my blogs, others who are feeling lost, alone, confused, betrayed and despite the knowledge that it was wrong, still unsure of themselves...will find comfort in my words, and know that they are not alone. I know how lost I felt even half a year ago, and I'm happy to say, it's a long way from where I am now. I still have bad days, but I know now that everyone does.

So whoever you are, reading this blog, survivor or friend of a survivor, be strong, and keep reaching out for support. You've come this far............and I'd love you to join me on my journey.

Much love, Rain Girl