Lies, Lies, Lies...

So, I wanted to post something I wrote back in April, entitled:
"What does it mean, when you feel like someone's lying to you, but they say they aren't or they don't think they are?"

From my experience, dealing with abuse also means sifting through the lies. I read about how others confronted their abusers and met anger and denial, but for some reason felt that this didn't apply to me. (In the same way, when I was younger, I knew the Childline number, but felt it didn't apply to me) I just couldn't comprehend an adult, let alone a family member, denying that they had hit me, saying that I was the one who was lying. Surely that wouldn't happen....surely no-one can block something like that out of their head, or lie about the incident?! I know it happened, and simply wanted my abusers, my family to come to terms with this, so we could all live happily ever after.

But life doesn't work that way...and I realised how similar to others' my story was becoming. The problem is, I wasn't abused by evil monsters - they're human beings, and for the most part, they get on in life, in society, they have family and friends and work like everyone else. And I'm sure, if I tried to tell some of those people (indeed I've already tried with my siblings), they would be shocked...and ultimately not believe me. In a way, I guess it's just easier to push it to the back of your mind.

And what I have now come to realise, is that my mother has been lying for a long time. At first this tore me apart inside, but the more I allow myself to realise that she is not a proper mother, and mourn my loss, the easier it gets. You see, if someone harms you, then they are not stable - not in control of their emotions. And if something doesn't click inside, to let them know they've done something wrong, and seek help to resolve their issues...then what kind of person are they? Are they going to be capable of empathy, of being honest and open, of confronting their fears and maturing with their experiences?

Probably not.

And how will they probably deal with the abusive incident? Well, in my mother's case......turning the survivor into a black sheep, someone to be distrusted, and feeding everyone more lies or twists of the truth. After all, in a group of people, you're more likely to believe the majority. Which is why I feel it is important for us to discuss these matters, to bring things into the open, in plain sight for all to see.

Remember: The only person you can ever truly help, is yourself. And you can only ever help those who want it. The simple fact of the matter is, if someone is not willing to be honest with themselves, then they're not going to be able to be honest with you!


As a result of all these lies, I've found it hard to trust others, especially when they make a mistake or I feel that they have lied to me. I guess it's only natural for us survivors - it's instinctive. And I think it makes it harder for us to understand when people who do genuinely care about us, appear to have lied. But truth can be subjective, and really when someone asks for the truth, we should ask them: Whose?!

Anyway, something to think about. Finally......here is the post I mentioned. Enjoy!:

Things happen and you feel things in life….think of it like a story, or a film. It depends who is the main character, the protagonist.

You are the protagonist of your own film story.

So it is right to care for yourself. Because you can be the hero. You can learn lessons and endure hardships, you can misunderstand and learn from behaviour, and come out of it stronger, happier and whole.

Sometimes you will get lost. Your struggles will be so great that you will feel like giving in, you will feel like you are alone and that people just don’t understand.

We all feel like that though.

But we don’t all communicate this to each other. And it’s hard to really understand where someone else is coming from, because we haven’t lived their life. They have their own film story.

Sometimes when we meet someone, we pick the happiest bits, or the funniest bits, or the highlights, or the lowlights of our life. We offer them previews, clips with soundtracks and camera angles and effects to compliment our selection. Sometimes we feel like we need to vent, sometimes we spill the truth, sometimes we offer words of warning, and sometimes we’re angry or sad, or both. So each time, our stories seem slightly different. But it is difficult to view the film story in its entirety. There is no single ONE recording…only the portions that we each retain for ourselves.

So it follows, that we should endeavour to portray our best selves when playing an extra, whilst remaining true to ourselves as much as possible. In this way, we may even become the hero in another’s film story!

That’s not always easy though.

Sometimes, without trying to, we become the villain. We show up and bring people down, and we’re left feeling betrayed and alone. Sometimes, we offer a tainted view of a situation, or perhaps even create one without realising.

So when it seems like someone is lying, they may well be, but they may also be portraying a view, a persuasive clip, that relates to how they feel. They may be hurt, and angry about this. We cannot know where they are in their journey, and we cannot possibly comprehend each person’s movie.

Only when the protagonist is fully open-minded, or perhaps when they have broken down and lost all hope, will they reveal a clearer image of the true synopsis. In these moments, they can review each action and consequence, without anger or pain or ulterior motives.

And who knows what will achieve this state!

So forgive and remember, don’t assume – excuse first, be wise – admit ignorance, and live the life of a worthwhile protagonist.

You’re on show NOW!