As a survivor, you may already know what I'm talking about..you may even have a label for it. Unfortunately, as a spectator or friend, you may already have used or heard another name - Psycho is a harsh one :( , bi-polar is interesting, depression is one that is often hurled about but often also true for us. However, severe anxiety or perhaps more aptly termed is what I would next consider searching for online: P.T.S.D. (Or post-traumatic stress disorder)
For those who aren't sure what I'm talking about:
Now, I often find that people's main issue when blindly encountering this, is that the person suffering from it (and on this occasion, I really mean to use the word suffering - we can survive it, but I haven't come across any set time frames for 'getting over it') ...generally seems normal! We don't go green or white (well actually, in a way we can sometimes) but we can sometimes go about our daily lives, and seem quite fine. If we do, then the chances are, we're either hiding it well, or you've misinterpreted it for something else. I'm not working right now, but when I was, I would often 'feel faint and have to sit down or need to go to the toilet'...when really I was watching scary replays of my abuse, having a panic attack, throwing up, or simply sobbing my heart out like a little kid trying not to think of ways to end it all. It's not pretty. It's not fun. But we are not putting it on. It's just what happens to normal people when someone or something has messed with their mind. When you've been traumatised. Think scary movies scenes...except real.
Let me give you an example of one of my really good days.
Today, I actually went out and socialised in a casual but competitive game with people I didn't know.
I was laughing, smiling, learning, winning well, losing well, chatting, networking, helping and having fun.
Then I came home and relaxed in front of the tv. :)
Big deal, right?
Well, it completely exhausted and drained me so much that I cried for hours and hours afterwards. I've had the shakes for most of the day, restrained endless panic attacks, felt horrendously guilty, ashamed, angry, scared, sick, confused...and as I type these words, I still don't feel I'm doing justice to how difficult doing something like this can be. You might explain it like being a robot trying to reprogram some of its settings - it's really difficult and sometimes we shut down, sometimes we have a 'does not compute' moment and just can't manage anything for a while, sometimes we go into override - except as a human being, it can come out as all kinds of extreme emotions! Also, we can have a day where we don't do seem to do anything, and we're not necessarily depressed or being lazy, but actually rearranging all our memory files and assessing and shifting our perspectives on things, perhaps without even realising. Think how much babies and children need to sleep whilst they're growing and learning - I may be exaggerating to make my point, but I think that for lots of us, it can feel like a similar learning curve. And all this is going on, whilst we are living out our daily lives.
So, if you encounter someone, and they manage to confide in you that they have PTSD or something with similar symptoms (although I'm not a doctor, and you should always see your G.P. for a proper diagnosis and help)....please, stop and think about everything you've read, and just consider where they are and the effort they are putting into 'appearing normal'. First of all (and I know I can seem patronising, so try to find a genuinely nice way to get this across) let them know you're proud of them/how impressed you are at how well you've already seen them coping...because even if we may wallow from time to time (everyone's human!) the chances are, we have not encountered much love and support whilst dealing with this, or even any during the trauma itself. Sometimes it takes all our effort just to open our eyes and get out of bed - I once had an extremely lovely lady tell me 'well done' for doing just that and deciding to go to work! It was strange...but much appreciated. (Oh, and survivors - Say 'thank you' and accept it!)
Then reflect. If they're talking to you on the phone and seem blunt, they could be fending off a panic attack. If you say some cheery greeting with a smile and you get absolutely no response, they may be having a flashback and not even realise where they are. If you make a joke or try to play a game and they seem to act angry and childish, they may be just be putting up a wall, because in their head, they could be about 7 years old, and feeling 'it' all over again.
I can't speak for everyone, because each of our traumas are unique, but I hope others won't mind when I simply try to express how difficult it can make everything, and that we don't mean to seem negative about anything. Please, bear with us. If we're smiling, we're really trying our best! :)
(Originally written 10th Sept 2011)
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