I am getting what I want

You know when you’re just having one of those days, those weeks, months or year even? I realised today, that this year, I AM actually getting what I want…

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I have finally accepted that regardless of how I’m feeling, I don’t deserve most of the stuff that happens to me. I’m not a bad person. I have my faults like any other, but I want to be even more self-aware. I am constantly looking for how I could best deal with a situation, and trying to learn from my mistakes.

I used to think I had a problem making them – blamed for others’, berated as a child for being any less than perfect. I don’t however. I gravitate towards them. Situations that leave me blown away, gasping for air and falling as it hits me that the struggling just doesn’t end!

I’m not perfect – perfectly imperfect maybe, but at least being thrown in the deep end time after time has taught me how to tread water. So I learn…sometimes abruptly, sometimes by accident. But I can always pride myself in not having made the same mistakes as them.

This year, I wanted to know if I could fall for someone again, to know if I was able to put a friend’s needs ahead of mine, testing my limits because I love them. I wanted to know if I could deal with hate and injustice and pain, without anger or compromising myself and who I am learning to be. I wanted to feel that I had a few solid friends or family I could rely on. I even wanted to move home. I wanted the opportunity to start anew with certain things.

All these things have happened or are happening. I want more…but I think I need to believe more in myself first.  The weight I feel now is simply my armour shifting into place. I have already been through the worst. And if it seems to be déjà-vu, then I need to show my colours, to smile through the tears and the pain, remove the dagger from my body, and stand proud knowing that I’ve done what’s best and right. I don’t want to be bullied, to regret, to lash out. I want to be true to myself. And I’m getting there.  Sometimes I’ll come out looking like the bad guy, but as long as I know I’ve done my best, and tried to express myself, then I should still be standing proud.

Or perhaps indulging in just a bit of self-pity and relishing the friendships that I have already worked for, and maybe taking some time to just…breathe!

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So I want what I need. And as long as I’m not completely happy, then I need the struggles. I ask that my life would improve, which means I must improve: To be able to stand up for myself, what I want, to deal with situations with grace, to know that I am always trying to improve…so that in any given bad time, I deserve to feel sorry for myself, I deserve support, I deserve love and time to heal.

This year will improve as I do, and my life already has.

I am ever-changing, perfectly imperfect and I am getting what I want.

Rain xo